I feel like it’s December all over again. How you pull away, thinking you’re doing it gently but you’re not, I can feel it ripping through me like a knife. I’m battling everything inside me saying I just feel this way, but you don’t make my battles any easier when you treat me commonly. I shouldn’t feel like an awful person for wanting to spend time with you, but that is how you’ve been making me feel and I hate it.
I’m tired and everything just seems to be smashing itself together.
I don’t have much to say about today. Just that i’m pretty sure I’ve consumed over my limit, my marathon training has taken a backseat because of finals and i’m beginning to want to throw myself out of my bedroom window. Pretty much a whirl wind of emotions today.
I had a good day today, the first in awhile. I’m feeling unstuck and i’m hoping it’ll last.
I feel like I can’t find my footing today. It’s kind of like a sense of sadness has washed over me that I can’t pin on why it’s bothering me so much. I’m content with what i’m doing, where I am at, but then this feeling is weighing me down. I’ll find out what it is soon enough.
I’m starting to feel the same way I did four years ago, not the depression that was eating away at my skin, or the way it was hard to crawl out of bed because my body ached with such sadness that it weighed me down. I’m starting to feel stuck, confused and something I can’t put my finger on yet. I don’t know why I feel so randomly blue or why your presence doesn’t seem to cure that anymore.
I think sometimes you forget that i’m only one person. That just because you can depend on me more than your other children, doesn’t mean you can put everything off on me. Sometimes you’re so overwhelming that I feel like my insides are burning, that I want to scream and feel like i’m so trapped and stuck that i’ll never get out. I’m not a super hero, i’m one person and it’s unfair for you to use things against me.
Sometimes I forget how much someone else’s words can change you, make you stop breathing, completely unravel every single thought you once had. It’s terrifying to know how someone’s life can be changed in an instant by just using words, how much they really impact us and how little we all think about it.
I feel like i’m having a good day, brighter, happier, and calmer. I think i’m feeling especially great today because I miss you and you’ll be home in less than two days, but also because everything in my life seems to be going in a great way.